Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish you could order shots online.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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