remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
