he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
