New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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