Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
