listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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