i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
