You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
