I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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