I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
