So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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