I looked at my own cervix.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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