I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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