I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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