good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
