Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
