My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
