I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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