I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
