Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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