i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
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On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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