You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
