dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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