If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
