Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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