So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
