I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Randomize
