it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there was a trapeze. enough said
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
