my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
