hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
