Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Come on in and take your pants off
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