There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
