You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
