On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
