her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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