I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
