I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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