you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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