Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
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