She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
