Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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