i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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