My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
