She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
