He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
