If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
