u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So squirting runs in the family.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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