she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
