apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Everything about him screamed your future.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
