You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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