my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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