Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
