did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
