The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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