This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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