I faked an abortion last night.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
