and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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