If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
