The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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