I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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